soulstorm
23/31 stream of consciousness practice
I have a migraine again. this time because my period is starting in a few days. what was the case last time? do you remember? these are helpful because i am realizing i just had one about 2 weeks ago. migraines are thresholds. no water does not help, no this thing you saw online does not help, i mean maybe they will help a little but the reality of migraines is they require the body to be at an equilibrium and if its not theres only so much it can take, once it crosses the threshold an attack happens, which is why the variables are always different. sometimes you may have it near your period sometimes not, it depends on what else is going on alongside it. hm. the weight of this month, and everything sits on my shoulders and puts a strain on my neck which puts a strain on my head. i need to move, or just get out of here for a little bit, this place is making me sick i think. also i realize i have not really had good sleep for more than 6 months now. amos “sleeps” through the night, but there is always one feed in the middle of the night, one or two diaper changes, having to put his pacifier back in, rocking him back to sleep. so my sleep has been disrupted for so long i forgot what it feels like to get true 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. god that must feel like heaven.
it’s 3:01 Pm, i dont normally write at this hour, but it is storming and amos is asleep and i have time i guess. by that i mean i am ignoring everything else i need to do to sit down with myself, with my books with my laptop. i cant believe how much time i used to have to do all that, i really took that for granted. i actually dont even see how it was possible i had all that time because i feel like im creating more now.
it’s 9:00 pm now, so much for daytime writing, ha. i spent this morning reading about the drama of jia tolentio, or rather, it resurfaced. which reminded me of that scathing review lauren oyler wrote in 2020 about jia’s book of essays titled, trick mirror. I read trick mirror, didnt love it all, but liked some of the essays. Lauren read her to filth, and made a much more compelling essay about trickiness than jia did. she pointed out how much jia talked about her guilt, as an after thought, to make sure we all knew she was still relatable. it was actually a pretty inspiring critique. what would someone write if they read me to filth? i see it as an opportunity to get better at your craft. i liked jia though, i suppose my liking her was baked in bias, because she was from houston and so am i. but we are from different houston’s. shes from the private school world, cheerleader to sorority pipeline houston. and in reality i dont think we would get along. but i also had a bias because shes on social media which makes me feel less bad/weird for being on social media as a writer. but i guess i didnt have a sponsorship deal with airbnb, as some claimed she sold out. but its all about positioning yourself isnt it? sometimes i think about if i one day write a book would it change my capability to write a review? / post about it/ will i be able to be completely honest? am i jeopardizing my chances at anything by being completely honest in my online reviews? i know some writers on social media who have decided to position themselves as such, keeping their page as diplomatic as possible when it comes to possible bridges they may not want to burn. its all politics, this nicety, this fakeness, this forced smile. i want to ask those people tell me your true thoughts of the book! i am more curious about your thoughts than the fact that you read it. which maybe was the whole point of laurens critique. she didnt feel like jia was honest enough with the readers, and readers are very perceptive. she felt like she cared more about politics of the literary game than she did about her craft. and honestly maybe that is just jia. she sort of seems like she wants the majority vote so will not venture off too deep into the dark end, will keep it comfy cozy, say something semi controversial but with a <3, so as not to rile anyone up too much.
image has changed everything. image has always been around but now it seems like its the only thing around. what i mean by image is self image, that thing you think you have control over, and some do slave away at their image making sure its perceived exactly how they want it to be. authenticity is weakening even though everyone online claims its what they want, and yet we search and search for how to style or dress and what we really mean by that is how can i look cool and post myself online, which is nothing wrong with that per se… but when it becomes all consuming, when you loose yourself to the algorithm, to the image, to the fallacy then we become npc characters, a void, zombies haunting the earth.
i used to hate writing about anything to do with the modern world, texting, social media, etc. i used to mostly, still do, read old dead works, and got caught romanticizing that world. i still struggle with it sometimes. i want to write like my favorites, who are dead and came from a different time, and i seem to get stuck writing about culture events and the fucking internet over and over again. and i am so afraid of the shape it gives/ will give to my voice. you are what you eat. you are what you watch. you are what you scroll. so ill offer you what some dead people said instead that i read today, my favorite dead people, the ones who are still alive in my head, because i am reading them and as long as i am reading someone they are alive.
“to live involves such things: from time to time you hit rock bottom. and all of this is for the time being. the time you live.” - clarice lispector
“and i drink my wine and i shake my head and say: “what man feels and thinks will never be expressed.”’ - czeslaw milosz
“if im careless, i’ll die. its so simple. it’s a question of a watch stopping. it’s three minutes to seven. should i or should i not turn on the tv? its so boring watching television alone. but finally i make up my mind and turn on the television. sometimes one dies.” - clarice lispector
